I need to tell my girlfriend I’m in love with a man — but I want them both

This week’s diarist is in a polyamorous relationship (Picture: Myles Goode)

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Willow*, a 29-year-old bisexual and polyamorous charity worker who lives in Portland, USA.

Willow has been married to her wife, Jessica*, for nearly four years, and they opened their relationship 18 months ago.

‘When we first started dating, I told her I couldn’t be monogamous forever,’ she explains. ‘When I went travelling for a month, Jess suggested we open our marriage.’

Apart from always using protection, they don’t have any hard boundaries when it comes to dating others. Initially, only kissing was permitted, then casual sex, but now Jess has a girlfriend.

‘Sometimes I feel a bit jealous, usually when I’m on my period,’ says Willow. ‘However, Jess’ girlfriend is also my friend. I dated someone for a while but ended up realising I didn’t like them that much.’

When it comes to her sex life overall, Willow would like to do the deed more frequently than her usual once-a-week.

‘The sex I have is joyful and exploratory, but I’m also fairly anxious and sometimes it leaks into my intimacy,’ Willow adds.

Without further ado, here’s how Willow got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Saturday

It’s date night with my wife. I’ve booked a fancyish restaurant and I’m wearing the purple dress I wore for our wedding. I send a photo to my lover, Jackson*, who I’m visiting tomorrow.

We share a very pleasant dinner. The food is delicious, the ambiance is intimate. We slowly seduce each other, touching each other’s hands and telling each other how pretty we look, and try our best to feel grounded in the moment.

When we get home, we start kissing and fall into each other’s arms. The sex that follows is sensual and deep. We know our bodies.

I like to start penetration on top, riding her strap-on, and then we switch to doggy. It reminds me love, though stable, can still be passionate. Even though we’ve known each other for five years, we still have new things to experience. Sex makes us feel more connected and playful with each other.

Tomorrow, I’ll be leaving for a week, but that’s not on our minds.

Sunday

We wake up just four hours later, but last night was worth it. She drives me to the airport and we talk about how we’ll miss each other and our plans for the next few days.

I text Jackson regular updates and confide in him about my lack of sleep. He’s also a good friend, and despite us being long distance, he’s shown me the true depth of friendship.

We met at a summer camp ten years ago, but he didn’t pick up on my flirtatious hints. I wasn’t really picky at 18, so I got my kisses elsewhere.

After that summer, we became pen pals. Our shared passions for history, literature and cinema sustained our friendship.

The second time I actually saw him in person was when I invited him to my wedding to Jess. We only planned it a month ahead of time, so I was thrilled he came.

My wife and I were monogamous then, so I didn’t tell her about my long-held feelings for him because it felt complicated, and I didn’t think I’d be able to answer all her questions.

I was a little disappointed Jackson and I didn’t have much time to hang out during or after the wedding, he left not too long after.

Our third in person meeting was in September last year, when a professional commitment brought me to his city. I was monogamous by then, and we finally had everything we fantasised about after 10 years.

There was kissing, licking, oral sex, but also something more. I have a bad memory, but that first kiss is burned into my mind, forever locked in there.

Today is our fourth meeting, when our feelings will either become fonder or diffuse into a beautiful friendship. As I step out of the airport, the humidity of his city makes my heart flutter, as I too grew up in similar weather.

He greets me at the taxi and pays half of the fare when my card doesn’t work. I’m mortified. He’s grabbed some Ethiopian take-out we eat with our hands.

Once full, we agree on a nap. We start kissing almost immediately. I want to show him the skills I learned at a hand job workshop I took a few weeks ago. I edge him for a while and marvel at how beautiful he is. He makes me come with his fingers.

I don’t really want to share any of this with my wife, but if she asks questions I’ll do my best to answer them. Later, we go out with a friend of his before heading back and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Monday

I’m lucky enough to be woken up with kisses. Then, Jackson fingers me. Ever the performer, I start moaning in French, my mother tongue, which I know he’s learning. Immersion baby!

After, I give him a blow job and defy my gag reflex, although I tear up a little. Then, I begin to cry, and Jackson asks what’s wrong. I confess that I think I may love him more than he loves me. He says he loves me very much.

What I’m feeling is out of control, exploding in all directions. Is that what’s happening to him too?

We skip the event we said we’d go to, staying in bed together. Soon we’re having penetrative sex and he’s fingering me. It’s a tired cliché but I tell him about how much I like him being inside of me. He replies he likes it too. 

In the evening we have drinks with a friend he used to hook up with and her boyfriend. They’re in an open relationship. She mentions she’s only kissed a woman once. I say we could kiss.

Half-uncomfortable laughter spreads around the table and the conversation moves on. After, Jackson gets a text from her: ‘Your friend is so hot. I would have kissed her but I didn’t know how my boyfriend would react.’

I try to probe into whether that would make Jackson jealous but he denies it.

Tuesday

Morning sex is starting to become a routine. We trade oral stimulation. I feel really connected but after I feel a bit distant, I think the constant arousal is getting to me.

I join him at his office later, and I want to get changed into a more elegant skirt. The bathrooms are far away, so I just decide to quickly change in his office. He jokes there are cameras around, slightly aroused.

In the evening, we spend more time with his friends, and I like that he’s showing me off.

Wednesday

We’re up early for a beach trip. The journey is four hours long, but I’m the one with a driver’s license, so he commits to his passenger prince role.

I normally don’t like driving for that long but the soundtrack is excellent and so is the intermittent conversation. I’m a good driver but I get distracted easily. Hands on thighs, at times mine, at times his, nearly cause us to crash three times.

When we finally arrive, it’s foggy but not cold. We walk barefoot on the clear sand for a while and I feel relaxed.

We lie down and read our books for a while, before I mount his lap. He keeps reading, but starts fingering me at the same time. Earlier this week, I told him about a survey that said that the hottest hobby men can have is reading.

I snap a photo where you can see him reading and his hand under my dress.

On the drive home I’m tired, which makes me anxious, but I just keep what I say to a minimum.

Thursday

I’m so sad today is my last full day here that I can’t even hide it and tear up. Jackson says I shouldn’t feel down and we should enjoy that day.

We have sex in bed and it’s everything I want it to be – perhaps intensified by the nearing goodbye. He fingers me and I spend a long time giving him a hand job. I rub my clit onto his member and we say I love you in a few different languages.

I feel moved and safe with him, almost compensating for the sadness.

To make myself feel better, I bake an almond cake once I’m out of bed. On top, I drizzle a bit of the jam he gifted me. He licks it, then we have more sex. He eats me out and penetrates me from behind. After a while, it hurts a little so I ask him to stop. We use our hands instead.

We spend the day lounging and sharing music. He keeps teasing me by touching my nipples. At some point, I tell him he teased me too much and pull down his pants. On my knees, I conjure all the skills I have.

After, I call my wife and chat with her about small things I’ve liked that day, while he and his roommate are in the living room. I will properly talk to her when I get home, and it won’t be an easy conversation, but I tend to under-communicate and I want to correct that.

Later, Jackson and I walk through a park and watch the sun set over the river. I just enjoy the moment. Then we meet up with his friends from Monday at a jazz bar, including the woman I’d suggested kissing. After I’m sure both Jackson and her boyfriend are okay with it, we do just that.

People at the bar are looking at us with surprise and delight. Back home, she texts him saying she’s surprised she wasn’t invited back, but I’m exhausted and not up to the responsibility of being someone’s first time with a woman.

Friday

I wake up and tear up a little. I have to go home today. Jackson is trying to reason with me, but the words fall on deaf ears. He changes approach and converts my moans of sadness into sounds of pleasure.

He slides his fingers inside of me and says how much he loves having me moan right into his ear. I give him a hand job and we both end up coming.

He’s trying to act tough but says he’ll be sad when I leave. At least we’ll be seeing each other in Paris in three months.

We catch a taxi together, which will drop him off at work before taking me to the airport. We hold hands and don’t say much. We kiss goodbye. As he leaves, I keep looking outside and he keeps looking back.

Because of my tears, the taxi driver inquires. I tell her the story but leave my wife out of it. Outing myself as bi and polyamorous to a random taxi driver feels like a lot right now.

The driver says this is a love story we’ll tell our kids. I keep feeding her details of the fantasy.

Several hours later, I arrive home, exhausted. Jess is holding a bouquet of flowers. We start exchanging gifts. She’s brought me pickles, chocolate, electrolytes, and period pads. I bought her a hairclip, a stuffed animal and a necklace.

I love her, but I’ll have to tell her I love someone else, too. This isn’t just a fling. Since she has a girlfriend, I hope she’ll be okay with me having another partner, too. But that’s a conversation for another day.

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