’Tis the season for gifting, partying, and, well, overcommitting to social plans.
After all, according to clinical trial group MAC, “pressure to socialise, the stress of family gatherings, and the societal expectations surrounding this season can amplify feelings of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges”.
A quarter of us say festive stressors like these worsen our mental health.
But even if Yuletide partying doesn’t affect you that deeply, it can still feel exhausting to keep up with endless plans.
Which is why we asked the founder of Etiquette Expert, Jo Hayes, how (and when) to politely cancel existing commitments.
First, think ahead
Hayes acknowledged that between “work Christmas parties, end-of-year client events, family gatherings and the friendship-circle socials,” not to mention school events and kiddie activities for parents, the season can be tiring.
Still, she said, prevention is the best cure.
“My first tip would be to avoid overcommitting in the first place,” she shared.
“While there are times in all our lives when we simply must cancel, we do well to avoid this outcome wherever possible. Why? Because it inconveniences other people.”
To prevent potentially upsetting others, she said it’s important to take a good look at your calendar before agreeing to new plans. Only accept if you have “the emotional/social/time capacity to say a full, joy-filled, ‘yes’ to this event”.
It’s important to know your own social threshold when planning ahead, she added.
“What is easy and life-giving for some is hard and life-sucking for others... [ask yourself], ‘Knowing the person I am, with the social/mental/emotional energy I have, can I give my full yes to this?’”
If it’s a no, be upfront. Consider saying something like, “It sounds like a lovely event, but unfortunately, our calendar is at capacity that weekend. We look forward to catching up with you guys sometime in the new year”.
What if I’ve already made plans and still want to cancel?
Hayes said, “If you find yourself already committed and wishing you hadn’t, you can still cancel politely.”
The golden rule, she explained, “is to give the others concerned as much lead time as possible. As soon as you know it’s going to be a no/cancel, let them know.”
Secondly, offer a sincere apology, and don’t tell fibs.
“While a white lie may seem like an ‘easy out’ as an excuse, you do yourself and others a disservice. Just be honest,” shared Hayes.
An example of what you might say in this scenario, the etiquette expert said, is “I am so sorry. I was really looking forward to our Christmas catch-up, but I’ve realised I’ve overcommitted my social calendar.
“I beg [your] forgiveness – I’ll have to cancel, but I do look forward to catching up with you sometime in the new year.”
A genuine “sorry” shows your friend that you respect their time, she said.
“I regularly advise people of the crucial importance and power of a sincere apology – it’s a relational salve and superglue. It can heal and fix almost anything.”
One more piece of wisdom: “If you go with a line such as ‘look forward to catching up in the new year’, and then do arrange a follow-up catch-up, be absolutely sure you don’t cancel on them a second time,” Hayes ended.
“Well-mannered people are people of their word. While a one-off cancellation is understandable... being a chronic canceller is a poor character trait.
“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.”
Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·