26,000,000 men have given their penis a nickname — these are the contenders

About 80% of British men have a special name for their member (Picture: Cultura Creative)

Willy. Schlong. Pecker. These are just some of the names for the 33 million penises in the UK.

But you might be surprised to learn that 26 million of these penises have been given a more personal moniker by their owner.

That’s right, 80% of British men admit they’ve nicknamed their penis in new research by The Urology Foundation.

Blokes from the North West were the most likely to have named their member (86%), with East and West Midlands men, as well as Londoners also being likely to have done so.

It seems to be a far less popular past time outside of England though, with just 73% of Scots and Northern Irish naming theirs, alongside 72% of Welsh men.

What are men naming their penises?

If you’re thinking about naming your pecker and you need some inspiration, many guys who took part in the study shared their handles.

John Thomas came up first (a known slang term for penis), while Mopey Dick came second, a play on words from the classic Herman Melville novel where the protagonist is obsessed with a huge whale.

Sur Cumference get points for a clever play on measuring girth, while Widgey McWidge Face also featured.

Many nicknames were rooted in positions of authority, with men calling their penises The General, The Captain, The Soldier, The Boss, The Prince, The Duke, and The Champ.

Powerful hardware was another theme, with blokes referring to their willy as The Engine or The Rocket, while one was confident in his ability to work some magic with The Wand.

Large and small was another source of inspirations for penis nicknames, with ones like Little Man, Pinky Winky, Little Buddy, and My Little Friend coming up.

On the other end of the spectrum there was Rodzilla and Big Ben, which sound slightly alarming.

The Gentleman, Jolly Todger, Old Faithful, and Mr Happy were other honourable mentions, too.

Okay, but why do men name their penis?

There are several reasons why a man might choose to name his penis, according to psychotherapist Lucy Beresford.

‘The first is that genitalia are, on some level, still taboo, and people often don’t feel comfortable using the clinical terms like penis or something like cock. There is this disconnect between our capacity to want sex and our capacity to talk about sex.’

The name men choose for their member can also be ‘quite informative’ about their relationships with their body and with sex, she adds.

‘If you give your penis a jokey name, you’re trying to sort of minimise the sense of potency that this part of your body can achieve,’ Lucy tells Metro.

‘Whereas if you gave it a really powerful name like Rocket, Big Ben, The Terminator or something like that, you’re really speaking to the potency that you feel about yourself and about your prowess in bed and about your capacity to give pleasure to your partner. It’s quite egocentric, really.’

Psychologically, she notes, there’s evidence that ‘men are incredibly attached to their penis […] it’s a very, very important part of their male identity.’

‘Freud was very big on the fact that women are envious of penises because you can’t see the female genitalia but you can see the male genitalia,’ she notes.

‘And for men, things that might be going wrong with your penis – if you’ve got erectile dysfunction or if you suffer from premature ejaculation, for example – these can feel very shameful about your sense of masculinity and your identity.

‘So again, you might be using the name of your penis to cover up your sense of inadequacy or sense of shame.’

The names above might make you giggle or give you the ick, but Lucy says in the vast majority of cases, they’re harmless. 

‘Men sort of see their penis as a bit of an ally; it’s part of themselves but also not part of themselves,’ she says.

‘That can be taken too far in issues of sexual assault where men almost try to give the impression that they didn’t know what was happening or their penis was doing it, but they were not doing it.

‘But on the whole, if you’re in a loving, consenting sexual relationship and the two of you are playing around with those sorts of names, that can be just a great sign of affection and it can deepen the relationship.’

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