Report: Chicago Shootings Down As The Official Guy Who Keeps Track Of All The Shootings Got Shot

CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot. The numbers came as a pleasant surprise after what was feared to be a record-breaking Labor Day weekend in the Windy City, with the shooting of the guy who is responsible for tabulating all the shootings providing much-needed relief from the onslaught of violent statistics. "After that guy caught a bullet, our shooting numbers suddenly got a lot better," said Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson. "We...