Married, homeowner, decent job? Good for you — but stop ‘triggering’ your mates

A therapist has shared questions that might ‘trigger’ your friends (Picture: Getty Images)

Raise your hand if you thought life would look very different at 30?

When you were younger, you probably pictured yourself in this stage of life, bossing it at your dream job, falling in love and tying the knot, buying your own home and starting a family. 

This image stuck with you throughout your teens and 20s and now it feels like you’re playing some weird game of bingo, haphazardly trying to check off all the major life milestones so you don’t fall behind your friends.

But where did this idea of being ‘on track’ come from and why, in 2025 are we still measuring success by wedding rings and babies?

Therapist Alison Gee claims that it’s got a lot to do with our parents.

We all want to feel like we’re ‘on track’ but this might look different for each of us (Picture: Getty Images)

The expert, who’s British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy-certifed, tells Metro that sometimes the life we imagined for ourselves was merely a ‘construct created or fuelled by parental influence from early childhood’. 

This typically involves the attainment of milestones that our parents want for us, like going to university, getting a ‘good job’ or buying a property.

As we grow up, we internalise this and start to think that this plan for our life is the way it ‘has’ to be. 

‘In reality though, it’s increasingly difficult to attain these milestones and, while culture and societal expectations have shifted somewhat so the traditional indicators of success are not seen as the only indicators, our internalised belief system lags behind,’ Alison says.

‘As such, it’s common for my clients to feel a sense of failure, anger, disappointment and loss that they’re not living the life they imagined for themselves.’

And while we don’t mean to do so, we might actually be ‘triggering’ our friends and making them feel worse when we share our own milestones and enquire about theirs. 

You’re not a failure if you aren’t hitting the same milestones as others (Picture: Getty Images)

To prevent this, Alison has shared several phrases and questions that we should avoid asking and some better ways to communicate with loved ones. 

Potentially triggering things we might say to others

When are you two thinking about having kids? Still renting? Any news on the promotion? Has he/she popped the question yet? What’s the plan? Still doing that? Maybe you should… It must be really difficult for you because you haven’t…

The expert explains: ‘What these things all have in common is the apparent assertion that there is one way, one metric by which success – as a human or adult – should be measured, and anything else is failure. 

‘This signals a fundamental lack of curiosity and imagination in the person asking the question and may be masking their own anxieties about lives lived in a less conventional way.’

What you should say and ask instead… 

Alison’s rule of thumb is to ask open questions, that have a clear message that there is ‘no one way of living’.

‘Or better still, listening first to where someone is ‘at’ and building off that.’

Examples could include:

How’s work? How is [insert partner’s name]? What’s going on with you? How have you been? 

She continues: ‘It’s also important for friends to be sensitive when speaking about their own personal achievements – to avoid bragging – and to consider whether they are portraying the idea that there is only one way to live life.’

Talk to your nearest and dearest about how you feel, they likely don’t want to upset you (Picture: Getty Images/Maskot)

What to do if your loved ones keep saying triggering things

Alison recommends talking to your nearest and dearest about how they are making you feel and ask them to be more thoughtful when talking about these topics in future.

‘There’s every reason to believe they would be concerned to have upset others and will be happy to adjust their style in future.’

But if your friends or family members are still making unhelpful comments or asking upsetting questions, she urges you to try and be self-aware.

‘The first step is to understand why we feel triggered when faced with questions about our “on track” status.

‘By exploring the drivers of this anxiety, pain or anger, we can get more familiar with it, recognise it for what it is when it happens and decide how to deal with it.’

Then you’ll need to try and work on how you respond to being triggered. But, understandably, changing a pattern of behaviour and hard-wired insecurities won’t happen overnight.

‘Start by telling yourself the reason that you hurt is because you were brought up to believe you had to have a foot on the property ladder by the time I was 30, but in reality, life is different now, or I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t pay well, but I enjoy it,’ she advises.

Working these things through with the help of a qualified therapist can make a real difference too – to find a regsirted therapist to help visit www.bacp.co.uk  

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