I told him to wear a condom – he said I lacked empathy

It baffled me that basic sexual safety was seen as a personality flaw (Picture: Liv Arnold)

‘Can I be inside you?’ Ozan* asked me, while shampooing my hair, in my hotel shower.

‘I’ll feel more comfortable if you use a condom’, I replied hesitantly.

Naturally, I assumed this was a reasonable request – but I didn’t expect his response. 

‘I hate condoms. They don’t feel good. Asking for one shows a lack of empathy. May as well use my hand. If a woman asks, I usually just leave,’ he said.

It baffled me that basic sexual safety was seen as a personality flaw, and I firmly insisted that without a condom there would be no sex. 

In doing so, I exposed him for the type of man he was. 

We rinsed off in silence, then he kissed me on the head and left.

But this wasn’t the first time he’d accused me of having no empathy. I should have seen the red flags from the start.

They were apparent when I met Ozan seven months earlier, on holiday. 

I was walking alone at night to unwind before bed when I saw him. He was tall and toned. Scraggy facial hair. Rough around the edges, with a slight swagger in the way he walked. 

I felt like we connected – he told me about friends who had passed away, his own health problems and even about his sister being ill. I mostly listened. He didn’t ask me a single question about myself. Warnings from the very start. 

That night he messaged about how he couldn’t sleep because he wanted to hug me – I thought it was sweet.

I explained that as a woman, I wanted to feel safe meeting someone I did not know well (Picture: Liv Arnold)

But the next day, he asked to meet and sent a photo of his proposed location, which looked like it was in the middle of the wilderness, so I suggested a café.

He replied: ‘I’m still waiting to get paid. You have no empathy and live in your own world. No need to meet. I’ve lost interest.’

That would be the first time he attacked my character in this way. 

I explained that as a woman, I wanted to feel safe meeting someone I did not know well. He ignored me. I screenshotted the messages and sent them to my friend who confirmed my sense that he was behaving weirdly. 

I should have cut him off completely then and there.

But within a few hours, he’d got back, suggesting a nearby shopping centre for our date. I paused. He’d had an emotional outburst so quickly, then acted like nothing had happened. After some internal deliberation, I said it sounded good. Then nothing for three days.

This was how it went with Ozan. He was hot and cold – disappearing for days on end over the two months I’d been in his area, with vague reasons like a friend getting arrested, or being sick. 

Whenever we did meet, he would push me for sex. 

Every time he did, I explained I’ve had problems with anxiety and wasn’t in the right headspace for sex and if that’s not what he wanted, I would understand and happily walk away.

That usually prompted another period of disappearance, but he always got back in touch. 

We randomly bumped into each other on my last night (Picture: Liv Arnold)

He had occasional flashes of softness, like asking if he’d played a role in my mental health struggles.

Then, we randomly bumped into each other on my last night on holiday. 

In the moment, things felt right and I hooked up with him. I got carried away and didn’t insist on a condom, which I later regretted. He was surprisingly tender – after sex, he wrapped himself around me and cuddled me until late afternoon. 

For a moment, I felt safe but I knew something was up – he had never been like that before I slept with him.

When he left, he said he’d message me to have dinner, but ghosted me, and eventually apologised. Despite everything, I had a soft spot for him.

I thought maybe the chaotic man I met seven months ago had actually changed (Picture: Liv Arnold)

Over the next six months,  when I had returned home, he stayed in touch and tried to connect. It was new. And it made me feel hopeful when I saw him next, curious if there was something real there.

So when I returned to the same holiday destination, he came to my hotel and we sat by the pool for hours. He asked me questions and we laughed more. I thought maybe the chaotic man I met seven months ago had actually changed.

I told myself I went back for work and to write a travel piece. But, being honest, 80% was about him.

‘You can stay tonight if you’re not expecting sex’, I finally said to him.

We went to bed, but a few hours later, we stirred and became intimate. I asked him to use a condom then and he agreed.

But when we woke up, we showered together and he asked me for a blowjob.

I finally saw it clearly – he had no respect for me, or for women in general (Picture: Liv Arnold)

I told him the oral effort had to be mutual and he responded: ‘Don’t be so selfish, women need to do it. It’s part of a man’s sex act. It doesn’t matter if you cum’.

That’s when he then told me I had ‘no empathy’ for asking for a condom. 

I finally saw it clearly – he had no respect for me, or for women in general. He was manipulative, not in a calculated, mastermind way – more like an emotionally underdeveloped teenager. 

He left afterwards and I thankfully hadn’t heard from him since.

I’ve changed since then – and I hope he has too.

*Names have been changed

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