I met my stepdaughter when she was six — I hate the feelings I have for her now

‘I fantasise about her in ways I really don’t want to.’ (Picture: Getty/Metro)

Blending a family can be both a challenging and rewarding experience.

But this week’s Sex Column tackles a complicated issue: When a stepparent becomes attracted to their partner’s adult child.

Our reader was in his late 20s when he married a woman who had a six-year-old daughter.

The marriage didn’t last, but after the daughter returned from university, he realised he has feelings for her that go beyond a normal paternal relationship.

Keep reading to hear Laura’s advice, and before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a husband who’s realised he doesn’t fancy his wife anymore.

The problem…

In my late 20s I married a woman with a six-year-old daughter. The father wasn’t on the scene and the little girl took to me straight away, as the dad she’d never had.

I had a good (but not great) marriage and we went on to have two children of our own. Eventually, we separated when the boys were ten and eight, but since the split I’ve tried to have a good relationship with all my kids, including my step-daughter.

Everything was fine until she came back from university. Before she went away, she was the proverbial ‘awkward teenager’ – quite temperamental and often difficult to get on with.

What a transformation took place while she was at uni. Now she’s back home as a glamorous and confident young woman, nothing like the gangly kid she was went she left.

She was offered a fantastic job and asked if she could come and live with me, since my flat is not far from her place of work. I was only too pleased to have her, and we get on very well. Too well, from my point of view.

You know what’s coming. I find myself having these ridiculous feelings for her, ones I know I shouldn’t have, but which keep creeping into my mind.

When I’m alone in bed at night, I fantasise about her sexually, in ways I really don’t want to and which I know are inappropriate.

I hate myself for having these thoughts and sometimes think the easiest thing would be to ask her to leave, and cut her out of my life altogether. But I know that if I did that, she’d be really upset.

The advice

Please don’t cut your step-daughter out of your life. You’re the only dad she’s ever known, and such an act would be cruel and confusing for her.

Instead, you need to deal with your emotions and establish healthy boundaries. It’s critical that you continue to maintain the parental distance you’ve always had, and stop seeing her as an object of sexual desire.

Your rational self knows that your feelings are completely inappropriate. Imagine her reaction if she knew how you felt – you’d almost certainly ruin the loving bond you have at the moment.

Those unwanted thoughts that keep popping into your head, would be seen by her as grotesque and seedy. I know you wouldn’t want her to think of you as a ‘dirty old pervert’, but frankly, that’s the opinion she’s likely to have.

What seems to be missing from your life is a fulfilling relationship with someone more appropriate, and perhaps it’s time for you to join some dating apps. At the very least, you’ll get out more and have a life away from your stepdaughter.

You also urgently need some therapy, to help you untangle your feelings and focus on your role as a father.

Avoid close physical situations, like snuggling up on the settee to watch TV – offspring and parents with blood ties usually have a natural barrier which prevents them from getting too close, but in the absence of that, you need to take practical steps to create boundaries.

Then, instead of avoiding your step-daughter, you can continue giving her the fatherly relationship she deserves.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments Add as preferred source