I had a one-night stand with a total stranger — should I confess to my husband?

She’s debating whether to own up or keep it secret (Picture: Getty/Metro)

The average Brit has had four sexual partners in their life — but whether your number is at zero or triple figures, you can still feel unfulfilled.

This week’s reader had only ever slept with her husband, and after 11 years of ‘yearning’, decided to find out if the grass would be greener elsewhere.

No-strings-attached sex with a stranger seemed to have scratched the itch. With her husband in the dark about the fling though, she’s unsure how to approach telling him (or if she should at all).

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s Sex Column, from a long-term bachelor thinking about giving up his ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ lifestyle and settling down.

The problem…

I’ve been keeping a secret from my husband since the New Year and wonder whether I should confess all to him. I really want to know what you think.

Basically, I had a crazy one-night stand with a total stranger whose name I don’t even know. And I’ll be honest, it was amazing.

Why did I do it? Well, I’ve only ever been with my partner and have spent the last 11 years wondering what sex would be like with someone else. When he was sent to Canada for six months with his work, I got the chance to find out.

There’s a nightclub the other side of town that no one I know would dream of going to, and I’ve always felt it would be the perfect place to find someone who’d help me fulfil my ambition. Although I wrestled a bit with the morals of it, my yearning just took over.

So, I did it. I got all dressed up, went there on my own and just drank and danced till someone nice showed an interest. It didn’t take long and we both knew that all we wanted from the liaison was sex. It was so obvious – he was even touching me intimately on the dance floor and the feeling drove me wild.

Long story short, we spent the night in a hotel and had sex for hours and hours, in every position you can imagine. He told me that he was a policeman from the north, married with two children and in our area on a course. That suited me perfectly – I didn’t want someone who would want to see me again. He wore a condom, but I also got myself checked for an STI, and everything is fine.

Now my husband is home and life between us is perfect. I have no desire to have another fling, but should I own up to what I did? Not a soul knows – just me and the guy concerned.

The advice…

I invariably get into trouble when I say ‘honesty isn’t always the best policy’, but based on years of experience, I know it isn’t. The truth can be destructive – I’ve seen it many times.

Since you say your fling was genuinely a one-off and you’re committed to your marriage, ask yourself two simple questions: ‘What would I gain by confessing to my husband?’ and ‘What would he gain?’

If the answer is that neither of you would gain anything, and on the contrary, a great deal of hurt and unhappiness would be caused – maybe even divorce – then that will help you decide on the best course of action. I know secrets can be devastating, but sometimes the truth is even more so – and in this case, your choices are between ‘bad’ and ‘worse’.

So if you’re 100% sure that your husband will never find out, then – my opinion only – this is one of those times where honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy.

There is one caveat. If you feel you’re likely to cheat again, then please do the right thing and leave your husband. Then you can be free to do whatever you want, with whoever you want.

But as long as you’re absolutely certain this won’t be repeated, my honest advice would be to leave your secret fling in the past and devote all your energies to your marriage.

And do remember, going back to hotels with complete strangers can be dangerous and not something to be recommended. He only said he was a policeman, after all.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments