How Senators’ Ullmark saved his career by asking for help

OTTAWA — You never know what someone is going through — even NHL stars can struggle.  

Linus Ullmark‘s story is a reminder that we are all human and that seeking help is a noble endeavour.

Ullmark’s journey this season, as he faced that challenge head-on, has earned him the Ottawa Senators‘ nomination for the Masterton Trophy. A nomination Ullmark calls “bittersweet.”

“Don’t really want (to be nominated), because that means you that you’ve gone through a lot of stuff,” he said.

“Coming to the conclusion that you are broken and you need help fixing is very tough and very hard to do, but once you’ve taken the step and you can work towards something to becoming better, that’s been the biggest part.”

Ullmark’s mental-health struggles have played out in the open, which adds an extra layer of challenge that many people don’t experience. When he took a leave of absence for personal reasons earlier in the season, there were unsavoury rumours about his personal life that the Senators had to publicly denounce in a statement. The world is a cruel place. 

Asked about the ‘outside noise,’ Ullmark said that, “We’re used to it, nothing new.”

Ullmark’s leave was triggered by anxiety attacks suffered in a game on Dec. 27 in Toronto. 

“I was doing work beforehand (on my mental health), and for me, it’s just I needed more help. And at that point, it was scary at the moment as well, because I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know how to fix it. You know, you’re looking at a problem,” he said.

As he spoke, Ullmark wore Victor Hedman’s NoSolo hat from the mental health initiative that the Tampa Bay captain runs. It runs deep with Ullmark.

There’s been a noticeable improvement in Ullmark’s performance on the ice since returning from his leave of absence on Jan. 31, demonstrated by his 12-4-3 record in that time. He’s a large part of why the Senators are on the precipice of a playoff spot. Ullmark was excellent playing on back-to-backs this weekend, then stopped 28 of 30 shots against the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday to move the Senators to an 83-per-cent chance of making the playoffs, according to Moneypuck.com.

All stats courtesy of Natural Stat Trick

If you’re struggling mentally, are you better at your job than when you’re in a great headspace? Likely not. 

Ullmark said he needed professional help.

“If you don’t know how to do it yourself, you’re looking for help from other people. And that goes through everything. If you’re not a handyman, (you are) calling a contractor. And if you can’t sew clothes, you’re calling a tailor,” he said. “It’s amazing how much better and how much you play, and how you feel when you’re taking care of the team and (they are) on (your) side of it, and you actually feel like yourself again.

“So… I’m not fully healed. I’m not going to be fully healed for a very long time either. I think the only difference is that I’m going to be able to deal with it better and better the longer we go and the older I get.”

Ullmark continued, “But people have to think about it as well and realize that if I’m at 30 per cent that’s not a very good Linus Ullmark playing at the moment. I rather have a guy that may be 70, 80, 90, 100 per cent at the time. So, it’s very tricky.” 

In late March, Ullmark missed a game against the Lightning, which head coach Travis Green attributed to him needing rest. But it wasn’t just that — he’s still struggling despite playing on a consistent basis.

Ullmark explained what happened with that game.

“I’m broken, and still I’m not fully, completely healed. If, say, Chabby (Thomas Chabot) has an injury, no one’s going to question that,” he said. “(But) I’ve been playing and all of a sudden, I’m not available. People just started attacking me that ‘he needs to play, he needs to be available.’ And like, ‘this is what we pay him for.’

“Buddy, I am very much trying my very hardest every single day to be there, and I was not having the best of days leading up to the Tampa game.”

It’s a conundrum when professional sports meet mental health. Hockey players are known for playing through everything they can — just look at Chabot practising a week after surgery for a broken forearm. But mental health is invisible unless someone chooses to talk about it. 

“As hockey players especially, we’re not forced, but we’re used to numbing things down because we’re playing so many games, we’re battling so hard every night,” explained Ullmark. 

There is no clear-cut way to view it, other than treating it with respect and dignity. At the same time, Ullmark is paid millions to play a game. It’s a hard situation to make sense of. 

Credit to Green for understanding. 

“I want him to play every night. He’s our No. 1 goalie,” Green said of Ullmark’s availability. “He’s been playing well since he came back. But, in saying that, everyone in the room understands that it’s been a bit of a rough year for him off the ice, on the ice and, I think, since he’s come back from his leave.”

The Swede was quick to clarify that ultimately Green calls the shots. 

“I’m not making decisions with starting or not. That’s going to be absolutely clear. I’m not the one making that decision,” said Ullmark. 

Regardless, his teammates have respected their No. 1. 

“They haven’t treated me any different, which I don’t want them to do either. I’m still the same person,” he said.

For example, on Tuesday before yet another match against the Lightning, Ullmark missed morning skate but nonetheless started between the pipes. The team has made sure to give him ample rest despite a busy schedule — Ullmark has played a lot of hockey lately.

“There’s certain moments in time where my battery is so low that I don’t want to be with anyone. And when those times happen, and you’re home and you have two kiddos, you have to be able to give them everything that you can. Is it 10 per cent, is it 30 per cent? Is it 50 per cent? I don’t know,” said Ullmark. 

Sometimes the hardest part is being vulnerable with people in our lives, as he has been doing.

“I can only say, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do as well during this whole period, is that I’m trying to be really honest about how I feel, how I’m doing. I’m the first one to say, ‘I’m doing (expletive),’ but I’m also the first one to say when I’m having a great day.”

The Senators’ netminder said earlier this year that he fell out of love with hockey during his struggles.

“I can just shut it down now and stop playing,” Ullmark described his thought process when he was struggling. “Nothing’s going to change. What can I gain from playing hockey? It just makes me feel bad and makes me feel all the emotions that you don’t want to feel.” 

He detailed how hard it was for him to come back because he kept failing to meet his self-imposed expectations. But Ullmark says he knows when he’s ready to play mentally, even as he tries to make sense of why he plays and what brought him back.

“(I) want to play hockey again … my motivation for stepping on the ice. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but that’s the biggest one: I had no eagerness, there was no love, there was no joy of even thinking about playing hockey,” he said. “So, for me, it was first of all getting that joy in my everyday life back … Fake it till you make it sort of a thing.

“I love hockey.”

Uniquely, Ullmark doesn’t watch much hockey on TV because he says it can drain him. His mind is swirling with contradictions, but that’s an experience many of us have when we are struggling. 

Hockey players don’t have to live and breathe hockey when bigger challenges are at play.

“I’ve got other more important things in life right now, and so hockey is not No. 1 anymore, but it’s certainly up there,” Ullmark said.

We all love hockey. For those who watch, it’s an escape from reality. For players, hockey is their reality, and their struggles are as real as our own. 

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